Hmm.

I thought the disappointment and pain would be over by now.

But it still hasn't subsided.

I think I'll write about the Yayasan Sarawak Debate Championships when they're actually over. The final is still on Wednesday (13th October 2010), so I'll hold off whatever it is I have to say until then, about it.

On to lighter news and happenings.

Socialising during a debate tournament is always fun. Granted, of course, that the company is suitably agreeable and voluntary in terms of participation. As it is, and thankfully so, many were during this tournament. I know that this sounds quite elitist, but there is nothing that incentivises conversation more than the promise that it will be intelligent, humourous and far-reaching. And that is more often than not more likely to occur during a debate tournament.

Naturally, nobody at a debate tournament is going to be a an idiot. They ARE in a debating environment after all. The laws of natural selection (well, debater selection committees, at least) dictate that a higher quality of conversationist is bound to make it through to the celebrated circle of interaction that forms during tournaments.

I have had the fortune of meeting some truly interesting people, and getting to know people whom I thought I knew, even better. Win-win all round, eh? More so than the debating, this is probably the best part of any tournament. Going somewhere with your friends, and coming away with new ones. Bonding with those that you have shared experiences with. Sharing collective anger when things are definitely stacked against you (more on this later).

May these new friendships last, and the old ones get better :)

'Cause you're amazing. Just the way you are.

Patently, Bruno Mars is singing about a girl that does not exist. A pretty/hot/beautiful girl will have been told so many times that she is, that it would have been embedded into her subconscious self by then, thereby rendering the argument that she wouldn't realise it, impossible.

Unrealistic depictions of romance are commonplace in songs, after all. But I digress. Because at least one line is true in it. Some girls really are amazing, just the way they are. And I despair at the fact that they don't realise it's okay to just be yourself.

I have seen many people in university that seek to fit in by becoming different or caricatures of who they really are, just to be able to socialise and get along with people that they deem worthy of their social interactions. It's one thing to adapt yourself to your surroundings. It's another thing entirely to invent a persona that would seemingly be better for aligning yourself with certain social circles.

The tragedy, of course, is to end up being in a situation whereby you don't even know what's the real you anymore. The question is, has the mask become the face? Or is the face now the mask? The circular argument in this context just ends up driving people away from what would conceivably be their true selves. Is that what we really want? Is that what YOU really want?

This is usually a result of someone hating who they are, due to the supposed barriers that it poses to new friendships, dalliances or interactions. To say that it is sad is an understatement, on par with saying that Hitler's invasion of Russia in winter was merely 'a bit stupid.' By all means, be more outgoing and be more engaging. That doesn't translate into becoming an entirely new being that bears no relation to the old one.

People forget, that there are lines that they needn't ever cross.

No one ever said that finding a place within the complicated schema of a university is going to be something easy. Nothing worth it ever is. But what it definitely is, is simple. And that's not the same.So don't take the easy way out. Don't make the tragic mistake of becoming someone, or something, that you are emphatically not.

'Cause you're amazing. Just the way you are.

This is for you, Mel! :)

Having been urged to blog more often, I shall make it a point to talk about how hideously disjointed my life is whilst over-dramatising what is actually going on.

Alright, maybe not. I'm not usually one for hyperbole on that sort of scale.

Curiously enough, I have had some rather interesting social interactions in the past few weeks. Interactions that have re-kindled my social inclinations, and have made me re-discover the joys of making new friends in rather random ways and places.

I suppose the apathy that I was in possession of previously when it came to these sorts of situations did not really show itself until I actually tried to cast it away. The manifestation of such lethargy seems to creep up on you without you really noticing. I suppose it's why I was always seemingly so bored and tired the previous semester. Although having said that, there's still some of it this semester too.

As it is though, there is some solace in the fact that in spite of my issues and problems, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Graduation awaits and beckons. I have tried to mentally prioritise it over everything else, which is difficult considering the stress that I am trying to cope with. Already this semester I am lagging behind in some of my classes, and the subjects themselves are not exactly the kind that would light anyone's fire.

There is hope, after all. With good friends, old and new, and the requisite motivation to make it a success, there is indeed hope.

Wish me luck. :)

Feel it.

The curtains drew back.

The swell of applause was heartfelt, but tentative. What were they going to see? What had they come to witness? The electricity in the air was subdued. The nerves were there, but the smile clicked into place just as the spotlight came on. There was a show to be made.

On behalf of all the guys in the house, girls, this song is for you. Girls, we love you. We care about you. Even if you don't give a crap about us anymore, that doesn't stop us from always caring, always wanting to be there for you, and always loving you.

So please, listen carefully to what this song has to say. Listen to the words, and learn to know what it's like, for us, when we care about you.

The fisrt few notes rang out into the night air. The soft, delicate sounds of a soul began to spill forth. All pretense of shyness and self-consciousness were thrown out the window. This is it. This is the moment that is always worth waiting for.

Turn out the lights
Just say goodnight to yourself
May I remind you
when you find you're
all alone it's true you've got to be strong
That's when they call you in the night
He's got your picture in his mind
He's got your number on a paper
at his disposal anytime

There are hearts skipping beats. There are vanities that cast furtive glances at their own reflections. There are callous minds that start to question their own choices and logic. Reaching deep down, the music starts to soar, the purveyor of its message in harmony with a melody of its own design.

Is it really true that you'll save yourself for someone who
Loves you for you?
So many times we just give it away to someone who
Someone who..

 A pause. A slight intake of breath. The air is still. But not for long. They're all listening now. They can all hear it. They can all sense the sentiment underneath it all. The pain. The care. The love. It is not easy showing all of this to anyone. It is harder still, to share this with everyone. The spotlight starts to burn.

You met in a bar
The back of a car
And for a moment you felt important
But not in your heart
'Cos my self esteem it's been low
Go ahead and count it's been lower than low
I knwo the feeling of it stealing
Right down from underneath
'Cos I wanna learn

 The emotion is in plain sight now. The words come out as sincere as they could ever be. They listen intently, critically, with both eyes and ears. There is no conscious thought now. It's all happening on its own. The show has taken on its own meaning, has created an existence entirely of its own making. It's beautiful.

That you'll save yourself for someone who
Loves you for you
So many times we just give it away to someone who
Couldn't even remember your name
You save yourself for someone who'll
Love you for you
Love me for me
Keep it away for someone who
Someone who'll
Cherish your name...

  The tears are close to the surface now. Memories. Flashbacks. Tragedies. Highs. Lows. They are all there, all offering themselves to partake in this conflicting festival of an audio visual dance of the heart, mind and soul. The spotlight seems hot. Suffocating. Sweat drips. But it matters not. Everything is out there. Nothing has been hidden. They can make their own judgments. They can draw their own conclusions. But the show has come and gone.

Slow steps, walking off the stage. Applause. The joy of high-5s and pats on the back. The deluge of compliments and handshakes. The moment has come to an end.

Thank you for listening.

Swinburne's Got Talent, and I did an acoustic guitar number. Didn't even make it to the Top 5, which surprised the hell out of everyone, least of all me. But hey, it doesn't matter. I love what I do.

And to those that were there, thank you. :)

Presenting to you, the gist of my existence.

Not really.

I have a presentation today. I actually love doing presentations. What I hate though, is preparing for them. Making slides, condensing reports into point form, trying to keep in mind time limits. It's like debating, in a way, minus the freedom of interpretation and the relative lack of pressure. Although having said that, having weeks to prepare beforehand doesn't really help. Inevitably, the slides will only be prepared the night before.

Or in today's case, a couple of hours before.

I feel spiffy though. Hair's a mess, but I must say, I look awesome in a collared shirt and tie, with my blazer. Rawr. Okay, narcissism aside, it IS a requirement to get all dressed up for these things. You get marks for 'presentation & delivery' you know. :)

I can't believe how much debating has helped me with all of this presentation lark. The ability to think on your feet, to compromise your words to ensure you stay on time, being able to respond quickly, accurately and confidently during the Q&As. All these aspects have been improved by my participation in debating. I am finally aware of how much I owe to an activity that most of the general public considers to be a talking shop that wastes a colossal amount of time not really achieving anything.

 Thanks, Swinburne Debate Club.

Kenyalang Debate Open .

I actually had more to say, but I drew a blank just as the page loaded.

How was the tournament? I had two junior newbies with me. And hey, we broke and made it to the quarters. I was happy with the level of adjudication in some debates, thought I was royally pissed off by the result in one of the prelims, when I just could not accept the loss being given to us, even though we were government, opp had failed to engage us, etc etc... It's not that I had a personal issue with the adjudicator in question (she was considered one of the best after all), it's just that I could not coincide the fact that she might have had a bad round too, with me having a very average one, resulting in a decision that I just could not accept with the justification given.

I ended up somewhere in the top 20 for speakers based on scores, and I even managed to get through to the Public Speaking final, but only got third, which again ticked me off. However, the less I say about it the better. I knew I could have done better, and that's that.

I am extremely proud of my two juniors. They fought hard and fought well, with one of them breaking the 8 minute barrier, in only her 6th ever debate! She will forever be known as Miss 8 Minutes, and it is a label she can wear with pride. Heck, even I've never gone to 8 minutes, and I'm supposedly the senior one with tonnes more to say :)

A debate tournament would not be a tournament without the socialising. And it was actually pretty alright, as we had not really expected much due to it being a local tournament. With the West Malaysia teams there, it turned out pretty okay. Props go out to the SMART (Seremban Matriculation Association for Reformed Transvestites, although one of them is actually from UiTM Shah Alam), who won the whole damn thing and who provided a lot of comedic gold, as well as UiTM Sarawak for organising it, specifically the convener Paul Racha! Shoutouts goto UiTM Sabah 2, as well as UiTM Kedah, and a special mention for the UPM teams, who were always good company. I don't really know who else to thank, as the list is long, but suffice to say, thanks to all of you for a wonderful time :)

As to how the debates themselves unfolded, I have to face the very real possibility that I just do not belong as first speaker. There were times when I tried to pre-empt government cases as Opp Leader, and ended up getting jumped, or having the points I had formulated with my teammates rendered irrelevant. I felt bad as I badly let down my two juniors in our three losses throughout the tournament, although one was due to an adjudicating disagreement that I have subsequently gotten over, and one loss was due to... the other team having better English than us? (I'm sorry SMART, but you supposedly won with ONE substansive, and we had three which you couldn't take down! *raspberry*)

So am I not 1st Speaker material? I just think I need more practise with it, and more experience to boot. However, should it be proven that I am unable to properly formulate cases and think quickly on the fly to re-align our stances, then perhaps I just need to move back to 2nd speaker, or maybe 3rd. It was particularly galling for me though, that we could have, and should have, gotten to the semifinals. I'm determined more than ever to debate better, and the past few tournaments has just proven to me that I at the very least, still have some more potential to maximise.

So the debate season for this semester is over. But hey, bi-weekly training sessions are still there to be looked forward to :) And I still have the training sessions with Lodge to oversee. So it's not like I'm going to abandon debate entirely till British Parliamentary season starts in August. After this it's all exams and assignments, and the dull grind that is real life. More thoughts on that later, when I am not so depressed thinking about it.

UKM IV - Debate we did, adjudicate we shall.

In all honesty, I did not retain any high hopes for how this tournament would go for me. First major tournament I'd be adjudicating, first major tournament in West Malaysia I'd be adjudicating, first major tournament since 2008 (not counting our own WSDC).. Well, you get the idea.


However, I should be pleasantly surprised at how I was able to keep up with the level required to be a relative success at the tournament. In truth, I felt I was heavily penalised by the adjudicator core, simply because I was too generous with how I awarded marks.This resulted in me not breaking into the knockout rounds as an adjudicator. It irked me a lot, simply because I was pretty confident that I had provided better feedback than the Chair Adjus in my rooms, and that I had demonstrated far more empathy in giving oral adjudications.

Someone hinted to me that it was for political reasons that I was not allowed to break, although that would detract from what was, in truth, a good tournament, if one with no frills, pomp or circumstance. It's not easy analysing debates, and trying to get a feel for how everything has developed. I believe though, it is something I do bloody well, which I felt was borne out to me when I felt that I developed far better bonds with the debaters in my rooms than my chair adjus did. Although this is, of course, debatable. :) *boom boom and indeed, boom*

Apart from that particular adjudicating sorepoint, Swinburne did not do well. 4 teams, only 1 in the knockout rounds, one team suffering 4 losses and only one win. It was by far one of our worst performances as an Institution in any tournament, and hints at the fact that we have a lot of work to do to correct the weaknesses that have been identified as being the causes for our downfall.

Team compositions need to be re-evaluated, team dynamics need to be re-examined, training methods will require re-examination, and training sessions will need to be re-tinkered with. It is beyond any doubt that our teams have a good English-speaking base to build from, but somewhere between making the step from being good at arguing to being good at debating, errors have been made. It is immensely frustrating to see the potential that our teams possess, and not see it fulfilled.

Being on the sidelines, as it were, for this tournament, allowed me to see it played out in a manner far easier to dissect. I regularly fielded questions as to 'why aren't you debating', with the reality being that I was just being rotated as a senior to adjudicate, and the others get to debate. But at the very least I feel that I have grown as a debater in this tournament, because I know now, far better than before, what it takes to convince adjudicators that you should win.

So how was the social aspect of UKM IV? In one word, memorable :)  Staying up till 3 a.m in the common lounge with SMKDJ, CBN and the other Swinburners, was a highlight for me, as well as the various philosophical, personal and emotional discussions being held throughout the final day. Tragic first love stories aside, there was a good social mix to the tournament, although due to its shortness (only 3 days), there really wasn't enough time get to know everyone else a bit more.

My memories go out chiefly to the CBN-ners and the SMKDJ gang for enlivening up the days, and providing ample ammunition for excuses to make fun of other people. As someone dared to point out to me, your sarcasm is a self-defense mechanism, and you use your humour as a shield. It's a genuine, and pleasant surprise, for someone to get through to me for a change. Thank you :)

Kenyalang Debate Open next! It starts tonight! Let's get it on!

5th Swinburne World Schools Debate Championships.

Did you know that you can swallow a litre of your own blood before you start feeling sick?

Curiously enough, I haven't actually blogged in a while. Why? I don't know really. I would ordinarily consider myself to be sufficiently egotistical to actually want to see my name up in lights on a regular basis. However, I have not felt that particular inclination much, lately. Perhaps it is because I have actually been busy with real life.

The past week was supposed to be a holiday, but I happily sacrificed it along with most of the Swinburne Debate Club to become a part of a very special occasion : The 5th Swinburne World Schools Debating Championships. Tears were shed, smiles were shared, and all of us were greatly enriched by the experience that it brought into our lives.

I was an adjudicator during the tournament. Which is basically a judge, with added justifications. (Okay, debater's joke done and dusted). It was amazing for me, as I had never adjudicated before in any official tournaments. I was even named favourite adjudicator by a few teams, which obviously made me very proud of what I had managed to achieve in the tournament. I did what I could so that every team that spoke to me could do as well as they possibly could, and I'm happy with how it all turned out.

My old school won in both categories :) Although to put on my unbiased hat on for a moment, they really could have, and should have, done better. I would dearly love to help them, but it is up to them if they really want my assistance, since I am willing to sacrifice the time necessary to make them not just good, but mind-blastingly awesome. School-level at least. At national and International level, I am still pretty much a n00b.

The overall vibe from the tournament has renewed my faith in the youth of today, and how they are progressing. I have met intensely fascinating characters, real personalities, intriguing walking mysteries, and of course, plenty of rather attractive looking members of the opposite gender. I'm happy, that those that I have met have re-affirmed my faith for the future. Thank you debaters. :)

Oh, an update.

I haven't been able to sit down and think about things that I have wanted to say on this particular channel of informational dissemination, considering that I am rather caught up in that pesky thing known as real life. Be it as it may, I owe it to myself to at least scribble down a few random thoughts as an ode to my ego and the embodiment of my over-inflated sense of self.

As it is, I am at a rather interesting crossroad this semester. It is the week where you either make a good semester great, or make a bad semester awful. Choices, decisions, gambles, risks, considerations, second-guesses. Take the road less traveled? Screw you Robert Foster, for your chancy philosophical poetic musings.

Before I get completely side-tracked, it is imperative on my part to note that I am actually in the midst of trying to repair a relatively okay semester, to make it into a good one. Why? I have been slacking. The sheer amount of activities has caught up to me. The gym workouts, the football training, the futsal, the assignments, the debate sessions, matches, work.. It's all getting a bit much. I come home every day absolutely knackered, and have rarely gone to sleep past 1 am anymore, which is an astounding achievement in itself.

Curiously enough, my videogaming has hardly suffered, as I have actually been able to budget my time for it much better than I thought I would. When I tell myself "Ok, time to stop", I actually DO. Unless of course there's a plot twist.. Or an unexpected loss.. Or there's a new area to explore.. Oh, you get the idea.

The fact of the matter is that I am tired. Really, really, REALLY tired. I'm slow to get up in the mornings, and I'm usually asleep before my head hits the pillow. The only thing keeping me afloat is my PS3 (I love you baby! Thank you thank you thank you girlinstiletto ;) ) and the joy it brings.

I should just graduate as soon as possible, and go work for a videogames company. Anyone know how I can get in touch with Crytek, or Sony Worldwide Studios?

Contradictory inanities.

The library is quite a strange place.

For starters, it's not really called a library. So you can talk your head off in here. No one really gives a toss if your handphone goes off. And the PCs here, at a glance, seem to run entirely in a Facebook-controlled universe. Surreal. A quick glance through it all confirms that you have indeed, left Kansas.

I'm sure all the parents of these students would feel such pride at what their 2,000 dollar semester fees are being used up on. All that Internet bandwidth just to see if Davina really did hook up with Joey last night? Oh no he dee'ent. *insert exaggerated hand motion here* I SO can't see why anyone likes that tramp Tina! Look at her pics! She's barely got anything on! *insert hair flick here, even though no one is watching*

But I digress. I suppose I'm being far too general and mean. Then again, such a paradox could only occur here in this university, in this country. Although I would wager this probably happens far more in North America, the land of opportunity, freedom, and getting your balls electrocuted for having a beard and dark skin, and a name rednecks can't pronounce properly. Unless you're in Canada.

Dysfunctional dystopia (hah, see what I did there?)  that this place is though, it is still a 'home' of sorts, since I spend the majority of my day in this particular corner of the Earth. Although when I say corner, I should probably explain that it's a particularly dark and damp one. As much as I bitch about it (and will probably continue to do so through this avenue), I sort of like it here. The food isn't bad, some of the student populace are quite agreeable company, and the chicks are not too shabby looking.

Although having said that, there are still one too many girls that somehow think they're 'all that', and dress/act accordingly.

Ladies, here's a tip. Yes, Bialystock and Bloom would sing, if you've got it, flaunt it. But in real life, a guy doesn't want a girl to go over the top. When you're beautiful, be it on the inside or outside, don't ham it up. Because any guy worth his salt, will be able to recognise it, without you having to advertise it like beauty products during the 8 o'clock news.

This is one hell of a library.