Of shitty internet & new beginnings.

The internet has not been cooperative over the past few days. I've missed various writing deadlines for articles that I had wished to put up here for everyone's perusal. They have all disappeared into the Internet heaven known as connection-goddamnint-timeout. So this will have to do for now.

Site news first. There is no Red-Eyed Devil episode this week as Manchester United did not play any matches. We had the unedifying site of Wayne Rooney doing his best to remind us all that he still has a darkside that isn't as easily hidden as Palpatine's,regardless of the positive result which saw England qualify for a major international tournament. R-E-D Ep 3 will be up on Monday, with analysis and opinions on the Liverpool-Manchester United tie. I have been cautioned against calling it a derby, by a Scouser who happens to be a head taller than me. Even though he speaks less English than I do.

There was no Xplitshock column last week as I was travelling, and there will be a delay for this week's column due to news that I will be disseminating shortly. Xplitshock Ep 2 will be up next week, on either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Now, on to the more important issues of the day. First of all, it is a great pleasure for me to actually say what I'm about to say : I have been offered the opportunity to be the latest member of Lucideas Creative! I got the call on Monday, with Melissa's smile actually being communicated through SMS before I actually heard it in her voice on the phone. And it was the start of a quite astonishing week.

Never mind the actual work that I had to rush to be able to take up my new responsibilities at Lucideas. Never mind the extra hours being put into planning the big move from hometown to megacity. Never mind the extra headaches and financial outlay required to make this all happen.

As the day of departure nears, I am swamped with feelings of elation and sorrow. Of excitement and trepidation. Of joy and sadness.This is it, you know? I'm leaving. For real. No more dress rehearsals for the job interviews. No more guarantee of being able to come back to the hometown when the money runs out. The time has come for the next chapter, the next act.

My chest seems to want to burst simultaneously with both pride and panic. Will I be a success? Will I be a complete and utter failure? All pertinent, yet irrelevant questions. Because they don't offer the ultimate measure upon which this adventure, this journey, will be judged. Each time you undertake an endeavour that requires a commitment beyond what you had ever done before, do not judge the merits of such outings on such a tangible and arbitrary manner.

Because all I really need to know, is this : Will I be able to find myself?

Of traveled souls and weary flight.

The new XplitShock column was supposed to be put up today, but I've had to delay it as I'm still on the road and traveling. For that, I apologise.

As I type this, I'm sitting on an uncomfortable and barely padded bench in Miri airport, counting down the hours to my flight back home to Kuching. (For the record, it's scheduled for 9.05pm, 3 hours from now. Oh joy). I barely got to see anything of interest in Labuan, due to my own tiredness and the sheer tedium of having to sit through a regional sales meeting. It seemed a nice enough place, and I might pop back over in the future.

My thoughts for the day have centered on two things : future job opportunities, and what to do if I do get one. The question of money is not the main thing, although that is obviously part of the motivation in finding gainful employment. I find myself wondering how, if at all, I'm going to grow. This is all moot, however, should I not find meaningful employment in the fantastically hectic settings of Kuala Lumpur. The yearning for answers to these queries serves to indicate, more than anything else, my intense desire to make something for myself. At least, that's what I believe it to be.

Traveling like this though, with the lonely solitary nights in hotel rooms and the isolationist feel of being on your own, is probably something I won't miss too much regarding my current position of employment. Flying around all the time, being a supposed jetsetter, has its perks. You're part of the jetset, right? But all that solitude.. Sometimes, it just gets too much. Missing loved ones, your kid, your family and friends. It's a special kind of courage that is required to truly make the most of such a situation. To keep on boarding that plane that takes you away from all that you value most and love.

I just want to stay at home with my daughter and play hide-n-seek till I run out of energy. Which will be long before she runs out of hers.

As it is, I'm grateful at least, for this sort of experience. Suffering depravity amplifies the simple mercies that life affords us. Whether it be waking up to the cries of your children making a mess of breakfast, or the oddly comforting sound of your siblings arguing with your parents. I know that my future employment choices will mean that these mercies will be taken from me. I understand the concept of the price that I will be paying in order to find myself. What I probably do not understand yet, is the depth of the price that will have to be paid for that to happen.

Then again, the cost of merely staying in a comfort zone and coasting along in life.. It does not bear thinking about.

The sun has set here in Miri. I consider it a poignant coincidence, as I ponder the sunset of one phase of my life, and the potential dawn of another. The brilliance of such happenings mirror the fantastical parallels that accompany our journey through the different chapters of our existence. In a week when the world's most famous tech company mourned and celebrated the end of an era and the emergence of a new one, I eagerly await the birth of another.

My own.

Of queried labels and finite time.

What a day it's been. I've been in KL for two days now, taking in the sights and sounds, and getting down and dirty with why I came here in the first place.

Job interviews.

I had a very interesting one today. One that combined my appalling propensity to talk too much, with my equally dreadful habit of talking too quickly when even slightly nervous.

The company in question is called Lucideas, and is a marketing communications company located in KL. I had been spectacularly nervous before this, because I had never done any campaign planning or presentations as part of any interview process. The jitters before said interview were some of the worst I had ever experienced. Having been in debate tournament finals before, I can safely say which one is scarier! (Hint - not the debating)

However, the late afternoon interview soon became an early evening chat, and I found myself comfortable and openly engaged by the wonderful people that had taken time out to speak to me. My hat is doffed in the direction of Zac for being a good sport, and especially to Melissa, who offered much warmth and encouragement as I underwent the interview process.

I loved the vibe at the office, and I seemed to find it very easy to get along with the personnel that I met. They have a very different work culture at Lucideas, compared to where I had been to before. It is a place that I sincerely wish to be a part of. My fervent hope is that they consider me good enough to become part of the family there. It helps that an old friend, whom I haven't seen in YEARS, actually works there (talk about coincidences and cue the singing for *It's a small world after all*).

I am not getting ahead of myself, however. There are still some obstacles in the way. Major obstacles, as it is.

At the very least though, for one day, I can feel happy that I was welcomed with open arms at Lucideas. Hopefully I'll be back.

Of tired minds and old party animals that won't retire.

I was thinking about a lot of things at this late hour. Chief among those concerns was how am I going to make ends meet once I get out there into the real world. I appreciate all that my parents have done for me, and the employment opportunities that have been presented to me by them. Nothing can adequately express the love and gratitude I feel for their role in my life.

It is, however, time to move on.

It was when considering the relative merits of certain money-making ideas that I realised quite belatedly that the weekend is upon us. Whilst I would normally greet such a happening with a quick scroll through the handphone contact list and arrangement of various get-togethers and club-hopping, nothing of the sort happened to me when I woke up earlier today (Friday). All I could think about, was where I was going to find the means to pay my own bills (and of course, meeting special someones).

It was a seismic shift in terms of outlook. I didn't even realise I had gotten so far along this train. Am I glad it has happened? Yes, up to a point.

I enjoy parties as much as anyone can possibly enjoy them. I live it up when I can, with a daughter in tow and other responsibilities to fulfill. It has been the way of the land for me for quite a while now. I was comfortable.. And to quote Incubus, "going nowhere fast." This is a big step for me, and one that I hope to appreciate more in the coming days as I finally, FINALLY, decide to actually grow. It leaves me with one burning question though.

Will I ever be able to experience the highs and happiness of years gone by? Will I be able to appreciate those sorts of moments with the same intensity and elation of yesteryear? Can I possibly hope to find the points in time that have anchored the various periods of my life, that stand out to me as defining benchmarks of how I should feel and emote?

Or will I be too obsessed with moving on quickly to the Next Important Thing, or the New Project that will surely dominate my future life, at the expense of savouring the here and now?

I do not know. One thing is for sure. I invite you all along with me on the ride, to find out.

Going out into the real world.

I have been rather active lately. Now that I've finally graduated, it seems as though plenty of new opportunities have the potential to present themselves. I'm not too sure what direction my life will take after this. Many things are up in the air. One thing is for certain though.

I will not go back to how I did things before.

I've applied for several different jobs in KL. All have either been advertising/branding/PR jobs or Writing. I realise that I have no work experience in these matters at all, but it's what I've always wanted to do. Playing the numbers game and the creative game at the same time? What a challenge to have!

Having said that, it hasn't been easy. I'm closer to 30 than 20, and I have never had to compete with anyone for a job in my life. I've never been exposed to the cruelty of the job interview or the crushing sense of disappointment that accompanies rejection. It's all new to me. It's something that I am having difficulty adapting to. Waking up, wondering what news shall greet me today, be it good or bad. Worrying where the next paycheck is going to come from.

Trapped by the freedom that comes without the safety net of a parental bank account.

I've been coasting along for so long in life, I barely even realised that any momentum I had ever built up, had already been filed away by the inertia of complacency. My growth has ground to a spectacular halt. I'm glad, for what it's worth, that I am able to even recognise this problem and to have the presence of mind to consider doing something about it. I owe much to those around me that have helped me see this.

Arrogance has been my undoing before this. I hope that humble ignorance can be the start of an epiphanic rebirth of the person that I am going to be, for the rest of my life.