This is a toast.

A toast to the beauty of the female form.

An ode to the wonderfully sculpted artistry of the fairer sex.

A homage to the indescribable.

A celebration.. Of the most beautiful legs I have ever seen.

<3 MT :)

I feel happy.

So what if I'm sick? :)

Daymaker. You have no idea. LAWL. I is t3h 4\/\/350|\/|3!

A legal way to get high! Drugs are a man's best friend! Or at the very least, his best form of pretense to preclude the existence of life-changing and soul-destroying inanities.

Rawr.

I feel happy.

Feel it.

The curtains drew back.

The swell of applause was heartfelt, but tentative. What were they going to see? What had they come to witness? The electricity in the air was subdued. The nerves were there, but the smile clicked into place just as the spotlight came on. There was a show to be made.

On behalf of all the guys in the house, girls, this song is for you. Girls, we love you. We care about you. Even if you don't give a crap about us anymore, that doesn't stop us from always caring, always wanting to be there for you, and always loving you.

So please, listen carefully to what this song has to say. Listen to the words, and learn to know what it's like, for us, when we care about you.

The fisrt few notes rang out into the night air. The soft, delicate sounds of a soul began to spill forth. All pretense of shyness and self-consciousness were thrown out the window. This is it. This is the moment that is always worth waiting for.

Turn out the lights
Just say goodnight to yourself
May I remind you
when you find you're
all alone it's true you've got to be strong
That's when they call you in the night
He's got your picture in his mind
He's got your number on a paper
at his disposal anytime

There are hearts skipping beats. There are vanities that cast furtive glances at their own reflections. There are callous minds that start to question their own choices and logic. Reaching deep down, the music starts to soar, the purveyor of its message in harmony with a melody of its own design.

Is it really true that you'll save yourself for someone who
Loves you for you?
So many times we just give it away to someone who
Someone who..

 A pause. A slight intake of breath. The air is still. But not for long. They're all listening now. They can all hear it. They can all sense the sentiment underneath it all. The pain. The care. The love. It is not easy showing all of this to anyone. It is harder still, to share this with everyone. The spotlight starts to burn.

You met in a bar
The back of a car
And for a moment you felt important
But not in your heart
'Cos my self esteem it's been low
Go ahead and count it's been lower than low
I knwo the feeling of it stealing
Right down from underneath
'Cos I wanna learn

 The emotion is in plain sight now. The words come out as sincere as they could ever be. They listen intently, critically, with both eyes and ears. There is no conscious thought now. It's all happening on its own. The show has taken on its own meaning, has created an existence entirely of its own making. It's beautiful.

That you'll save yourself for someone who
Loves you for you
So many times we just give it away to someone who
Couldn't even remember your name
You save yourself for someone who'll
Love you for you
Love me for me
Keep it away for someone who
Someone who'll
Cherish your name...

  The tears are close to the surface now. Memories. Flashbacks. Tragedies. Highs. Lows. They are all there, all offering themselves to partake in this conflicting festival of an audio visual dance of the heart, mind and soul. The spotlight seems hot. Suffocating. Sweat drips. But it matters not. Everything is out there. Nothing has been hidden. They can make their own judgments. They can draw their own conclusions. But the show has come and gone.

Slow steps, walking off the stage. Applause. The joy of high-5s and pats on the back. The deluge of compliments and handshakes. The moment has come to an end.

Thank you for listening.

Swinburne's Got Talent, and I did an acoustic guitar number. Didn't even make it to the Top 5, which surprised the hell out of everyone, least of all me. But hey, it doesn't matter. I love what I do.

And to those that were there, thank you. :)

WARNING : This post can be misconstrued as being whiney or just plain emo.

I am demanding. I expect a lot. I am difficult. I am cantankerous. I am emotional. I am intense. I am angry. I am complex. I have issues. I am weird. I am persistent. I am close to losing my sanity.

Do you want to come anywhere near me?

Does anyone want to come anywhere near me?

I don't know. I'm beginning to think not so.Perhaps it explains a lot of things in my current situation.

Perhaps I'm thinking too much. Perhaps it's my time of the month.

Sigh.

I want to hate you.

Presenting to you, the gist of my existence.

Not really.

I have a presentation today. I actually love doing presentations. What I hate though, is preparing for them. Making slides, condensing reports into point form, trying to keep in mind time limits. It's like debating, in a way, minus the freedom of interpretation and the relative lack of pressure. Although having said that, having weeks to prepare beforehand doesn't really help. Inevitably, the slides will only be prepared the night before.

Or in today's case, a couple of hours before.

I feel spiffy though. Hair's a mess, but I must say, I look awesome in a collared shirt and tie, with my blazer. Rawr. Okay, narcissism aside, it IS a requirement to get all dressed up for these things. You get marks for 'presentation & delivery' you know. :)

I can't believe how much debating has helped me with all of this presentation lark. The ability to think on your feet, to compromise your words to ensure you stay on time, being able to respond quickly, accurately and confidently during the Q&As. All these aspects have been improved by my participation in debating. I am finally aware of how much I owe to an activity that most of the general public considers to be a talking shop that wastes a colossal amount of time not really achieving anything.

 Thanks, Swinburne Debate Club.

How am I supposed to know....

... how deep the rabbit hole goes?

All that you left behind.

All it took was one small memento that you left.

All it took was one small reminder of the sweetness of your presence.

All it took was one small token to bring back the scent of your hair and the warmth of your touch.

I haven't seen you in person for a long time. Or, at the very least, what feels like a long time. On the cosmic scale of things, this absence would serve as nothing more than a blip that would barely register. But we're not talking about cosmic scales. We're not talking about grandiose timelines. We're not referring to abstract constructs of time itself.

We're talking about my world. And the place that you occupy in it.

It is the simple essence of missing you. Thinking of you. Wishing for your proximity and your generous smile to brighten a day. And to illuminate the night that follows. To have the delicately deliberate movement of your hands slowly closing around me and your aura enveloping me. Such uncomplicated joy. Such depth in the space of such minimalist interaction.

Am I caught up in you? Yes, I am. I make no apologies for it. I cannot help but fall, for there would no one else worthy of the attention that you have rightly earned.

For being different.

For being delightfully left-field.

For being you.

For reaching far into me and seeing me for who I am, and beginning to understand the sheer complexity that serves as the character that I possess.

I fear though. A fear that is brought on by the realisation that one day, I could be just a memory. A statistic. A passing phase in the glorious rainbow that makes up your life. It humbles me, to feel this small, this insignificant, in the face of such awe-inspiring eternality. Have I enriched your life? Have I made a difference? Have I done enough to matter?

I do not know, in all honesty. I do not know if I linger in your memory, or am just a footnote in your day.

What I do know is that I am not without merit, and that I am worthy, if given the chance, of absolutely being the best your life could ever give you.

I fear though, that to you, I will just be the memento that got left behind. To you, it might be nothing.

To me, it could change the very fabric of my world.

Kenyalang Debate Open .

I actually had more to say, but I drew a blank just as the page loaded.

How was the tournament? I had two junior newbies with me. And hey, we broke and made it to the quarters. I was happy with the level of adjudication in some debates, thought I was royally pissed off by the result in one of the prelims, when I just could not accept the loss being given to us, even though we were government, opp had failed to engage us, etc etc... It's not that I had a personal issue with the adjudicator in question (she was considered one of the best after all), it's just that I could not coincide the fact that she might have had a bad round too, with me having a very average one, resulting in a decision that I just could not accept with the justification given.

I ended up somewhere in the top 20 for speakers based on scores, and I even managed to get through to the Public Speaking final, but only got third, which again ticked me off. However, the less I say about it the better. I knew I could have done better, and that's that.

I am extremely proud of my two juniors. They fought hard and fought well, with one of them breaking the 8 minute barrier, in only her 6th ever debate! She will forever be known as Miss 8 Minutes, and it is a label she can wear with pride. Heck, even I've never gone to 8 minutes, and I'm supposedly the senior one with tonnes more to say :)

A debate tournament would not be a tournament without the socialising. And it was actually pretty alright, as we had not really expected much due to it being a local tournament. With the West Malaysia teams there, it turned out pretty okay. Props go out to the SMART (Seremban Matriculation Association for Reformed Transvestites, although one of them is actually from UiTM Shah Alam), who won the whole damn thing and who provided a lot of comedic gold, as well as UiTM Sarawak for organising it, specifically the convener Paul Racha! Shoutouts goto UiTM Sabah 2, as well as UiTM Kedah, and a special mention for the UPM teams, who were always good company. I don't really know who else to thank, as the list is long, but suffice to say, thanks to all of you for a wonderful time :)

As to how the debates themselves unfolded, I have to face the very real possibility that I just do not belong as first speaker. There were times when I tried to pre-empt government cases as Opp Leader, and ended up getting jumped, or having the points I had formulated with my teammates rendered irrelevant. I felt bad as I badly let down my two juniors in our three losses throughout the tournament, although one was due to an adjudicating disagreement that I have subsequently gotten over, and one loss was due to... the other team having better English than us? (I'm sorry SMART, but you supposedly won with ONE substansive, and we had three which you couldn't take down! *raspberry*)

So am I not 1st Speaker material? I just think I need more practise with it, and more experience to boot. However, should it be proven that I am unable to properly formulate cases and think quickly on the fly to re-align our stances, then perhaps I just need to move back to 2nd speaker, or maybe 3rd. It was particularly galling for me though, that we could have, and should have, gotten to the semifinals. I'm determined more than ever to debate better, and the past few tournaments has just proven to me that I at the very least, still have some more potential to maximise.

So the debate season for this semester is over. But hey, bi-weekly training sessions are still there to be looked forward to :) And I still have the training sessions with Lodge to oversee. So it's not like I'm going to abandon debate entirely till British Parliamentary season starts in August. After this it's all exams and assignments, and the dull grind that is real life. More thoughts on that later, when I am not so depressed thinking about it.

Say what you need to say.

Character is the summation of experience both tragic and wonderful. The destitution of melancholy is balanced by the simple beauty of good company.

It has been bouncing around in my head for quite some time, this particular collection of words. It is my own riposte to the overreaching negativity that usually threatens to drown me when I indulge in deep thinking and endless philosophical debate regarding the development of my personality.

It is then rather random, why I decided to say this to someone who merely commented upon the differing nature of my character, rather than its uniqueness or impressiveness. I simply do not know why I decided to share it. But share it I did.

I wonder, sometimes inexplicably so, why I allow myself the indulgence of delving so deeply into my own psyche on a regular basis. Maybe it is simply an escape from the mundane inanities my life seems to comprise of, and the extreme problems that my mistakes have brought upon me. Maybe I do so because there is so much unfinished business floating around in my head that it is a daily affair to attain closure in one matter or another.

Maybe I do so, because it is the only way I know how to contemplate living with myself, and being able to look at the person I see in the mirror every morning, and not want to shoot him. For being an insufferable prat.

On balance, I am not in possession of friendship/relationship-crippling flaws that doom my social interactions. I know I'm friendly, open-minded, discussive in approach, articulate and a good listener. I also know that I am not stupid, that I am in possession of a keen mind and a well-developed intellect, and that I have many things to offer when in a participatory conversation of substance and depth.

Yet I am inherently pessimistic about how people view me. I am intensely aware of the flaws that I carry, and it sits uneasily with me that I actually possess flaws. Whilst it sounds highly arrogant and extraordinarily conceited to talk as though all flaws can actually be eradicated, I do try to remedy my cracks as best as I can. I want to be perfect, and the sad thing is that I know I can never be. And I know how far I am from it.

Perhaps it is misplaced anguish on my part to let my flaws get to me so readily. It is not as if I have been a complete failure in life, to encourage such anxiety. I have achieved a lot, on the face of it. Gold medal-winning athlete, captain of three different sports teams in school, representative for football for every university I have ever turned out for, debater, award winner, public speaker, writer, photographer, multiple best student awards.. Balanced out by being a university drop-out, various misdemeanors regarding personal choices, life-changing mistakes, and the vicious cycle of self-destructive behaviour.

My past is a dichotomy of contradictions, a dysfunctional dystopia (hah, I did it again) of conflicting abstracts. Indeed, when all is said and done, it is a summation of experience, both tragic and wonderful.

UKM IV - Debate we did, adjudicate we shall.

In all honesty, I did not retain any high hopes for how this tournament would go for me. First major tournament I'd be adjudicating, first major tournament in West Malaysia I'd be adjudicating, first major tournament since 2008 (not counting our own WSDC).. Well, you get the idea.


However, I should be pleasantly surprised at how I was able to keep up with the level required to be a relative success at the tournament. In truth, I felt I was heavily penalised by the adjudicator core, simply because I was too generous with how I awarded marks.This resulted in me not breaking into the knockout rounds as an adjudicator. It irked me a lot, simply because I was pretty confident that I had provided better feedback than the Chair Adjus in my rooms, and that I had demonstrated far more empathy in giving oral adjudications.

Someone hinted to me that it was for political reasons that I was not allowed to break, although that would detract from what was, in truth, a good tournament, if one with no frills, pomp or circumstance. It's not easy analysing debates, and trying to get a feel for how everything has developed. I believe though, it is something I do bloody well, which I felt was borne out to me when I felt that I developed far better bonds with the debaters in my rooms than my chair adjus did. Although this is, of course, debatable. :) *boom boom and indeed, boom*

Apart from that particular adjudicating sorepoint, Swinburne did not do well. 4 teams, only 1 in the knockout rounds, one team suffering 4 losses and only one win. It was by far one of our worst performances as an Institution in any tournament, and hints at the fact that we have a lot of work to do to correct the weaknesses that have been identified as being the causes for our downfall.

Team compositions need to be re-evaluated, team dynamics need to be re-examined, training methods will require re-examination, and training sessions will need to be re-tinkered with. It is beyond any doubt that our teams have a good English-speaking base to build from, but somewhere between making the step from being good at arguing to being good at debating, errors have been made. It is immensely frustrating to see the potential that our teams possess, and not see it fulfilled.

Being on the sidelines, as it were, for this tournament, allowed me to see it played out in a manner far easier to dissect. I regularly fielded questions as to 'why aren't you debating', with the reality being that I was just being rotated as a senior to adjudicate, and the others get to debate. But at the very least I feel that I have grown as a debater in this tournament, because I know now, far better than before, what it takes to convince adjudicators that you should win.

So how was the social aspect of UKM IV? In one word, memorable :)  Staying up till 3 a.m in the common lounge with SMKDJ, CBN and the other Swinburners, was a highlight for me, as well as the various philosophical, personal and emotional discussions being held throughout the final day. Tragic first love stories aside, there was a good social mix to the tournament, although due to its shortness (only 3 days), there really wasn't enough time get to know everyone else a bit more.

My memories go out chiefly to the CBN-ners and the SMKDJ gang for enlivening up the days, and providing ample ammunition for excuses to make fun of other people. As someone dared to point out to me, your sarcasm is a self-defense mechanism, and you use your humour as a shield. It's a genuine, and pleasant surprise, for someone to get through to me for a change. Thank you :)

Kenyalang Debate Open next! It starts tonight! Let's get it on!

5th Swinburne World Schools Debate Championships.

Did you know that you can swallow a litre of your own blood before you start feeling sick?

Curiously enough, I haven't actually blogged in a while. Why? I don't know really. I would ordinarily consider myself to be sufficiently egotistical to actually want to see my name up in lights on a regular basis. However, I have not felt that particular inclination much, lately. Perhaps it is because I have actually been busy with real life.

The past week was supposed to be a holiday, but I happily sacrificed it along with most of the Swinburne Debate Club to become a part of a very special occasion : The 5th Swinburne World Schools Debating Championships. Tears were shed, smiles were shared, and all of us were greatly enriched by the experience that it brought into our lives.

I was an adjudicator during the tournament. Which is basically a judge, with added justifications. (Okay, debater's joke done and dusted). It was amazing for me, as I had never adjudicated before in any official tournaments. I was even named favourite adjudicator by a few teams, which obviously made me very proud of what I had managed to achieve in the tournament. I did what I could so that every team that spoke to me could do as well as they possibly could, and I'm happy with how it all turned out.

My old school won in both categories :) Although to put on my unbiased hat on for a moment, they really could have, and should have, done better. I would dearly love to help them, but it is up to them if they really want my assistance, since I am willing to sacrifice the time necessary to make them not just good, but mind-blastingly awesome. School-level at least. At national and International level, I am still pretty much a n00b.

The overall vibe from the tournament has renewed my faith in the youth of today, and how they are progressing. I have met intensely fascinating characters, real personalities, intriguing walking mysteries, and of course, plenty of rather attractive looking members of the opposite gender. I'm happy, that those that I have met have re-affirmed my faith for the future. Thank you debaters. :)